Gabby | The Power Of The Hospital Room

I am so grateful to still be here. 

At a certain point in time, I didn’t think that I would. 

I was so overwhelmed and weighed down by anxiety, and was experiencing such severe depression that holding my head up even seemed to be too much of a daunting task. If you had asked me 3 years ago if I thought there was a way out, I would have told you that I had exhausted all of my options. I had tried every practice in the book. I had gone to therapy. I had been consistently working out. I was reading my devotionals. I was eating healthy, taking my medicine. Every single thing that people told me would help, I tried. And nothing seemed to be working. 

Or so I thought I tried everything. It wasn’t until I tried being HONEST that I was finally released from the bondage of what was taking me down. 

The Walk To The Hospital That Changed My Life.

I remember walking to the hospital like it was yesterday. Hours before I made that long walk, I had called the suicide hotline for help. I woke up crying, went to bed crying, had crying spells randomly throughout the day. All I saw was darkness. I saw no light, all my dreams and goals gave me no hope, and I couldn’t “see” anyone around me. I could be in a group full of my closest friends, and still, feel so far away. It was like my mind was eating me alive. I don’t know what I thought I was going to accomplish by calling the hotline, pouring my heart out to some random stranger. I think I was hoping that it would give me some sort of last glimmer of hope. 

But it didn’t. I hung up the phone and fell on the floor with such a deep feeling of hopelessness. 

I immediately called my mom and explained to her the conversation I just had. 

“Do you think you need to go to the hospital?”, she asked calmly. 

Instead of acting as if I could make it through another day as if I was somewhat okay – I told her yes. 

As I walked to the hospital from my dorm room, I kept thinking that I loved living. I kept thinking about how much I enjoyed being alive – and how I knew that my mind was fighting to make me believe otherwise. As I walked into the hospital, I was greeted with a bunch of other somber, grief-stricken faces all restlessly waiting to be seen. The faces I saw in there were enough to send me into an anxiety attack alone. 

“What’s your emergency”, the front desk assistant asked. 

“Suicidal ideation”, I whispered. 

As she looked up at me with a blank stare I could tell that was not what she was expecting me to say. As she admitted me back into the hospital I felt nauseous – and proceeded to throw up 3 times. As I was hunched over the toilet, with my stomach twisting and eyes clouded with tears, I don’t think I ever had felt lower than that point. I could not even gather the strength to stand up as I sat there on that cold, hospital floor. All while the nurse is trying to ask me for my insurance information. 

When I eventually could gain the energy to walk to the hospital room, as I crawled into that bed I realized that I could not go and lower. I had reached rock bottom. I had no other choice. Either something had to change, or I was not going to make it. 

The Power of Owning Your Story.

My mom drove up to the hospital that night, and her presence alone is what saved me that day. 

She kept asking me what was really going on. And each time I kept saying “I am just having a really hard time but I’ll be okay”. But I knew in my heart that was not going to save me. I had been saying that for over a year and it was not cutting it. Each time that she asked, I felt from the depths of my stomach this deep urge to want to tell her the truth. 

That the shame and guilt I felt from not being authentically myself was eating me alive. I had this unhealthy desire of never wanting to fall short – and so I would shift and mold to please everyone around me. I never wanted to let people see me and perceive me as weak. I never wanted to feel like I was disappointing, failing, or not living up to someone’s expectation of me. 

But at that moment, I realized I was disappointing everyone by trying to live up to an unrealistic standard. I was suffocating myself daily trying to be someone else, and my mind was beating me into the ground, bullying me for living a life that wasn’t my own.  And so for once, I stopped trying, stopped running, and owned who I was. And I poured my heart out to her. 

THAT was the moment that I gained my life back. There was no amount of therapy that could be done, no amount of medicine I could take, no amount of praying I could do, that would help me if I was too scared to OWN who I authentically was. And OWN that mistakes and shortcomings make an incredibly powerful testimony. 

The Beginning of a Long Road.

As my mom and I left the hospital the next day, part of the agreement that allowed me to be released from the hospital was that I had to go to my therapist within 72 hours. As I walked into her office she immediately said “well you look like you got some life back in you.” 

It’s amazing how when you own who you are, people around you can feel it. 

Here we are 3 years later, and I can honestly say that that period of my life truly helped me lay the foundation for true authenticity. I went through phases where I was angry, phases were I cried a lot, phases where I felt exhausted from committing to being authentically myself in a world that isn’t always so kind.  Yet, it was work that I am so glad I committed to doing. I unlearned thought processes that I had developed while I was deep in depression. I worked on my self-worth. I sat with my emotions, as painful as it was, and dug deep to learn what they were trying to teach me. I fought to be Gabby, this time the most authentic version of me that I could be. 

What allowed me to even put up a worthwhile fight in the first place was that I was honest. I would have never been able to start healing if I never was honest about the root of the problem. No matter what you are facing, no matter how you think your situation will be perceived, I encourage you to open up and speak your truth. Whether you share it with one person or 1,000. No matter how high or low your story makes you feel, I promise that it harbors more power than you give it credit for. The beautiful thing about all of our stories is that no one else on this earth has the exact same story as you – and that is your power. 

Water Your Garden always.

With love,

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  1. michaelahahn8gmail-com

    Thank you so much for sharing your story! You’re amazing and loved so much! I am so blessed to have you in my life!

    1. Love you, Michaela! I am so grateful for your friendship and the way you love others. Can’t wait to continue to grow with you!

  2. i love you so much Gabby! You have no clue what a huge impact just sharing your story can have. I’m so excited for WYG!!!

  3. Gabby, Thank you for sharing your story and showing your vulnerability. Love you girl and so proud of this platform you have built!

  4. Gabby

    I so remember that time and now because you did the work you have emerged stronger than ever. Now in true Gabby fashion you have created a space to help others. So stinkin proud of you!!

    Love Aunt Mon

  5. That is such a powerful story and so personal . Thank you for being transparent and for providing this platform for women around the world. It is needed more than you’ll ever know 💛

    1. RACH. Literally we have been through it all – and you have loved me through every phase. So thankful for you and the woman that you are!

  6. Thank for sharing your journey! I’m so excited for the space you have created for women to openly discuss their vulnerabilities.

  7. Gabby- your story brought me to tears. I am so happy that you are here today to speak your truth. Thank you for opening up to all of us. I look forward to everything that stems from here!

  8. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your commitment to yourself and others. I really can’t say enough about your decision to get help when you felt the need. That message needs to be shouted from the rooftop. I love you Gabby and I am so glad you are in Patrick’s life.

    1. Love you, Mrs. Teri! I am so grateful for you and grateful to be in a space where I hope every woman feels empowered to be their authentic self. Healing is a journey! Beyond blessed to be in Patrick’s life – he’s so lucky to have you as a mom.

  9. I’m so proud of you my beautiful cousin. That was such a powerful testimony that people needed to hear. God is using you to show people a different way to deal with those issues. Amazing. Keep up the good work.

    1. Love you, Shawnetta! Thanks so much for supporting me on this journey. Above all else I just want other women to know that no matter what, we are all worthy no matter what we have been through.

  10. Thank you for sharing your story Gabby, I love your authenticity! I love hearing others stories and I know there is power in sharing, especially when many of us are fighting the same battles, it is encouraging to see someone else get back up again! <3

  11. Gabby, thank you for sharing your story. I remember discussing this time with you but I had no idea. So envious and proud of your strength to pick yourself up and be YOU! Love you girl!! 😘😘

  12. maryscottlowery

    Gabby, it takes so much vulnerability to share this and it just goes to show what a STRONG and INSPIRATIONAL woman you are!! I’ve always looked up to you and your outlook on life. Excited to be a part of this community and read more inspiring stories!

  13. Words can’t describe how proud I am of you for creating this space. Your vulnerability is inspiring and will allow so many women to feel comfortable enough to share similar experiences with you. So glad to be a part of this. xoxo <3

  14. Cherone Johnson

    Gabby, thank you for sharing! Thank you for being truthful… what doesn’t kill us definitely makes us stronger!! ❤️🙏🏾

  15. Gabby, your strength and wisdom far exceed your years. Congratulations to you for doing the work and sharing with all of us.

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